End of Basic Military Training.

Used to reveille early in the morning and I felt nostalgic as I can’t get back to sleep. I would definitely miss my section mates, I would definitely think of them, the time we spent together. It’s really fate that brings such nice people together and it’s up to us to cherish every moment we had spent together back then and I hope I did. All the wonderful memories would be deeply etched in my heart.



Ps: It's a closer than friend rapports we have build, but building and maintaining it is the key.

I made an empty promises yesterday. After much introspections and thinkings. I'm sorry. I'm not ready for a long term relationship right now. Lets just end this... I cannot think of a relationship with no future together, like a kite up high in the sky with its string cut, with no way to predict its destination. I don't wanna lead you on and hurt you more.

Lets just be friend.




Ps: I just cant get over my past. I figured out what i want in life, and sometimes that is being alone... at least for now.

I don't have a particular type of girl i'm attracted to, the way some guys are western fetishists or chubby chasers. But of all the women in the world, the last type i ever thought id fall for would be a clubber. But the great thing about the heart is that it has no master, despite what reason may think.

I really hope that she would change her lifestyle, not for others, but for herself.




Ps: Maybe i should give each of us a chance. I don't know.

I lead a simple and laidback life now, and this most probably would continue all the way until my army enlistment. To think back, I am foolish. Foolishly dreaming that I have the charisma to do things in my own way, but to regret later on in life. Things just ain't like that.

I knew that it is over. It is a feeling that i have expected, but looking back, I suppose it couldn't have ended another way. I am a better man because of it. I am not bitter because of what has happened. On the contrary, I tell myself to learn from my mistakes so as not to have more regrets later on in life.



Ps: I am a sinner with many faults but I would change.

I feel miserable tonight, I don't understand why I am always so emotionally affected, be it by things happening around me or whatsoever.

Maybe its because I always think too much, maybe because I felt so alone.


Ps: Often, I dreamed of turning back the clock and living that day over, It would be so different..

Whenever i thought that memories of you were fading away, seemed to always find a way back to me. The irrational dream last night makes the day rather gray and flat. I'm so down, I don't even understand myself. Maybe its the last chance to feel again, in my surreal dream.

It really tears me up. "I tried to hold on but it hurts too much. I tried to forgive, but it’s not enough to make it all okay. I can feel everything that my heart don't want to feel."

Sometimes I really wish that time is versatile.
Maybe I've made too much mistakes that's too late to turn back anymore.



Ps: When would I get over it? The time would heal doesn't it?

I'm not feeling good now, I hate that feeling, I don't understand. Maybe I just think too much, maybe its time for a rest, maybe i shouldn't have even think about it.

More than a week has passed since I've written, but it has seemed to pass much more slowly. I breathe and eat and sleep as I always did, but there seems to be no great purpose in my life. I have always wanted to give her a message but on second thoughts, I would always put it aside.

I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere. I am all these things, and I am nothing at all.

I wanted to bite the bullet and say it sincerely, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared of being reject, I'm afraid that we won't be good together, not complement each other. I'm afraid that saying such things in such hastiness would bring me more regrets in life.

What would happen if I tell her personally, honestly and sincerely that;
I still feel the same way for you.


Ps: I really don't dare to even think of it.

The words I messaged to her were folly, and I should have realized it then. How much do I wish I could backtrack the time back to before, where everything seems fine.

I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for her presence-I know it is an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.

Why did I always do things in such hastiness and regret later on in life.


ps: I have decided not to be a nice guy all the time. She sets the boundary, stop giving her 100% of my attention.